Up for grabs
by smiling inside
Summary: Draco Malfoy, Witch Weekly’s most eligible bachelor, appears to be up for grabs and as if getting on with his already complicated life isn't hard enough he now has to deal with hormonal, excitable, desperate women. ONESHOT.


**A/N: Hey everyone this is a joint fic written by myself and Encrypted Pseudonym. As per usual just saying neither of us ownHarry Potter. **

**We came up with this idea a few days ago and although we have read fics written in letter form, this is not a copy and we feel it holdsa certain amount of origionality.**

**Please review and tell us what you think.**

* * *

Child, 

I have a Death Eater meeting this afternoon and probably won't make it back till after tea. The Dark Lord has another ingenious plan about world domination… do you think I should take snacks, he does get rather irritable when he's hungry.

Your father.

Lucius Malfoy.

* * *

Draco, 

It's mummy here, just leaving you a note to let you know I've gone shopping. I can't for the life of me find the 'dark mark cookie cutter' and your father expects only the best for the DL so I've gone to buy another one.

Also don't forget that Wilemina Hopkirk is coming for dinner tonight. I am aware that she has a slightly upturned nose however her family line can be traced back for generations. Please darling, try and be nice to this one.

Oh and do refrain from dismissing any more of my house elves while I'm gone.

Love from Mummy.

* * *

Dear Father, 

Love the Dark Mark fridge magnet however I must insist we get rid of it as it gives my female guests quite a fright. Mother has left some cookies in the fridge for your meeting and she says to remind you we have a dinner guest this evening.

Your 'child',

Draco Malfoy.

* * *

Mother, 

Wilemina Hopkirk? It's not so much the upturned nose but the facial hair which bothers me. I will however attempt civilized conversation. Need I remind you I am perfectly capable of finding my own wife and expect no more insufferable dinner dates with your friend's children.

I'm going to go buy myself some new quidditch gear… as much as I love the ones you brought me for my birthday, it doesn't do much for my image to have 'Drackie-poo' embroidered on the back. What were you thinking?

I should be back for dinner.

Your son

Draco.

P.S. You might want to start looking around for a new house elf.

* * *

Dear Draco Malfoy, 

Looking forward to our date tonight, just wondering what color robes you were planning to wear as I wanted us to match. I just have a feeling we're going to hit it off.

Hugs and kisses

Wilemina Hopkirk.

* * *

To Wilemina Hopkirk, 

My greatest condolences for the death of your owl; it was involved in an unfortunate accident with my wand and a misplaced curse. Such a shame you will find yourself unable to write to me from here on out.

And I doubt even matching robes could make up for the terrible clash in personalities.

From Draco Malfoy

P.S. I'm wearing black. I _always_ wear black.

* * *

Mr. D. Malfoy, 

I am writing to inform you that this annum's magazine subscriptions have expired. If you are interested in continuing to use our services please send us a list of the magazines below which you would like to re-subscribe to and enclose the money:

_Quality Quidditch Supplies_

_Voluptuous Veelas_

_Mouthwatering melons_

_Dragon spotting_

_Play wizard_

Sincerely

Audrey Cringle (Manager of Magical Magazines Ltd.)

* * *

My Darling Drakie, 

Hey big boy, just writing to tell you, as official manager of your fan club that it is ahuge success. The first batch of singed photos have already sold out and people are asking when you'll be doing a live signing. Also, just wondering if there was any chance you could send us any of your unwashed clothes, stains and all, if you catch my drift.

I read in witch weekly that you are looking for a bride, is it true that our most eligible bachelor is settling down. Please say it isn't so. Or if it is, bear in mind that I'm _very_ flexible.

Mwah

Pansy Parkinson.

P.S. Could you arrange to send me a new batch of signed pictures, perhaps doing something suggestive with your _wand… _like polishing it.

* * *

To the Manager of Magical Magazines Ltd, 

I am interested in renewing the following subscriptions:

_Quality Quidditch Supplies_

_Voluptuous Veelas_

_Mouthwatering melons_

_Play wizard_

The correct amount of money is enclosed.

Many thanks

D. Malfoy.

* * *

Parkinson, 

I thought we had made an agreement that after I signed that first set of photos you would leave me alone; or perhaps I should have actually explained that 'bugger off you foul bitch' wasn't meant to be an endearing term.

As for polishing my wand I would not degrade myself by performing such a menial task personally, the house elves do that job.

Never speak to me again

Draco Malfoy.

* * *

Drakie, 

Interesting concept. You never struck me as someone so kinky.

Eternally yours (Any way you want it.)

Pansy

* * *

Parkinson, 

That's not what I meant. When I said I let the house elves polish my wand I meant the hard wooden one… No wait… I mean the one that does magic damn it! I am disgusted you sick twisted wench!

Malfoy.

* * *

Drakie, 

Believe me cutie any girl would consider your wand magic.

Pansy.

* * *

Parkinson, 

Stop it. Just stop it.

Malfoy.


End file.
